So my wife and I decided that it's time for a second vehicle. This is the worst possible thing in the world.
I hate car shopping. Why?
CAR SALESMAN
Could a human being be more obnoxious?
Salesman Jack Ass: Hello sir, how are you today? What can I help you with?
Me: Hi, i'm fine, i'm just browsing.
JA: What ya browsin fer?
Me: Nothing in particular. Just getting some ideas for when I buy a car IN A FEW MONTHS FROM NOW.
JA: Okay great. Well what models interest you?
Me: (slowly getting sucked in) Uhhh probably a Honda Accord.
JA: Great we've got a bunch of those they're great cars. Come over here and look at this pink one.
Me: Oh yeah, that's a nice car. I think I'm looking for a darker color though.
JA: Well if I get you a hell of a deal does the color really matter (true story)
Me: Well i'd like to maybe see what else you have. Do you have any Nissans?
JA: Sure we do. Come on over here. Nissans are great cars. Actually in my opinion they're a bit better than Hondas. How does this Nissan pick up look?
Me: Thanks, but I don't know if I want a truck. Maybe we should look at the Hondas some more.
JA: You betcha. Hondas are great vehicles. My sister owns one with 340,000 miles on it and she's done nothin but oil changes. Here's a cool lookin Ford Focus. What do you think about this car?
Me: It's fine but if you have any more Hondas that would be nice too.
JA: Alright, tell me what monthly payment you can handle?
Me: I'm not sure I'm not really looking to buy a car for A FEW MONTHS
JA: Okay well here's a great Honda. I know you said darker colors but what do you think about this white one? We got this in just today from a stay at home mom who took excellent care of it.
Me: That's good to know. What about this black one over here?
JA: Oh yeah! That's a great vehicle. I'm not sure but I believe we just got that one in today as well from a really good christian family. Let me go get the keys for a test drive.
Me: No sir wait....sir.....
JA: Alright here's the keys. Sorry I took so long my manager was telling me that this car has had lots of offers and he just wanted you to know that he'll let you take it home today if your serious about it. Hop in for a drive.
Me: Okay. I've got to get back to work soon i'm only on a short break.
JA: Sure no problem we can just go around the block and if you like it come inside and we'll crunch the numbers.
Me: (around the block or should I say city) Yeah that was nice thanks for your time today.
JA: You betcha no problem. Come on inside so we can see if we can make this happen.
Me: Thanks but I have to get back to the office.
JA: Okay, hold on for just one second.
Me: No wait...sir.....
JA: Alright.....I just spoke with my manager and he thinks this might be out of your price range but we have a great Dodge that just came in in a dark color.
Me: Well what's the price?
JA: To tell you the truth i'm not sure. Let me go see if he's got any room to work with the price.
Me: fine....
JA: Okay, here's where we're at. He can get you in this vehicle today for only $3500 down and $400 a month and to be honest with you that's a steal. There's a lot of people the past few days that have been liking this specific car.
Me: K, well i've got to run but thanks for your time.
JA: You know what, I think he was thinking about a different car. Let me go see for sure what the price on this vehicle would be. (Intercom) Bob could you come to the office please. Bob to the office..... Oh hey that must be him he's probably contacted a buyer for your car that you drove in and with that trade we could make something happen. If we get the trade where we need it would you be willing to take this car home tonight?
Me: Trade? What....uhhhhh......I'm not sure I want to uhhh......wait what car are we talking about buying.......what's the price on the car.......WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE I'M NOT BUYING A CAR FOR A FEW MONTHS LET ME OUT OF THIS PRISON.........GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
11 p.m.
It's 11:00 p.m.
I can't decide if I want to ride my bike before work in the morning or if I want to keep blogging in hopes of making it big and getting enough advertising to quit my day job.
WHICH I HATE!!!!!!!!
I can't decide if I want to ride my bike before work in the morning or if I want to keep blogging in hopes of making it big and getting enough advertising to quit my day job.
WHICH I HATE!!!!!!!!
DADDY
I work with a lot of 20 somethings. Which was great, until I turned 30.
30 is not 20 anything, and they let me know it. When you turn 30 you are an outcast in that group.
"Thanks for the advice Joe.....I'll just call you Mr. Belvedere from now on," I said.
"Who?!" he replied.
"Forget it,'' I exlaimed.
"But since you fixed that drawer with tape and a paper clip I will call you McGyver."
"Mcwho?!'' he said.
I tried Airwolf, Silver Spoons, He-Man, even the A-Team, THE A-TEAM!!!!! but nothing hit a chord. When your childhood is ancient history to people seemingly your own age you know you've hit an undesirable milestone.
My good friend had a great thought about turning 30. He said when you turn 30 you no longer seek out new cool music, movies, or clothing. You retreat to your old highschool favorites. This is why Dad always played Peter, Paul and Mary, the Doors, The Beatles, Neil Diamond. This is why Dad always watched American Graffiti and Clint Eastwood movies. They're great movies but they became, to him, the end all. I'm daddy now and i'm the same. The end all-be all for me these days are the highschool favorites: Bono and the boys, Weezer, Dave Matthews Band, early 311.
I just rocked my two year old to sleep. It melts me when he calls me daddy and says night-night but i'm sure that pretty soon i'm going to be nerdy (nerdier) old fashioned, and Mr. Belvedere will really be ancient history to him. I swore I would never be a nerdy dad but sorry Bono, u2 just might be nerdy in 20 years too.
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed." -Peanuts
30 is not 20 anything, and they let me know it. When you turn 30 you are an outcast in that group.
"Thanks for the advice Joe.....I'll just call you Mr. Belvedere from now on," I said.
"Who?!" he replied.
"Forget it,'' I exlaimed.
"But since you fixed that drawer with tape and a paper clip I will call you McGyver."
"Mcwho?!'' he said.
I tried Airwolf, Silver Spoons, He-Man, even the A-Team, THE A-TEAM!!!!! but nothing hit a chord. When your childhood is ancient history to people seemingly your own age you know you've hit an undesirable milestone.
My good friend had a great thought about turning 30. He said when you turn 30 you no longer seek out new cool music, movies, or clothing. You retreat to your old highschool favorites. This is why Dad always played Peter, Paul and Mary, the Doors, The Beatles, Neil Diamond. This is why Dad always watched American Graffiti and Clint Eastwood movies. They're great movies but they became, to him, the end all. I'm daddy now and i'm the same. The end all-be all for me these days are the highschool favorites: Bono and the boys, Weezer, Dave Matthews Band, early 311.
I just rocked my two year old to sleep. It melts me when he calls me daddy and says night-night but i'm sure that pretty soon i'm going to be nerdy (nerdier) old fashioned, and Mr. Belvedere will really be ancient history to him. I swore I would never be a nerdy dad but sorry Bono, u2 just might be nerdy in 20 years too.
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed." -Peanuts
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Healthy
Yesterday I had two hard snickerdoodle cookies for breakfast. For my after breakfast snack ten minutes later I had a slurpee.
I had a Cafe Rio smothered burrito for lunch with extra cheese and extra sour cream.
"What's for dinner sweeheart?" "Just whatever," she said. So I had three Poptarts. Then before I fell asleep at 2:30 a.m. I had a bowl of cereal.
Today we rode our bikes 25 miles with a 28 lb. toddler in a trailer attached to my bike.
Tomorrow I will sit on the couch for six hours and complain that I am fat and sore.
I had a Cafe Rio smothered burrito for lunch with extra cheese and extra sour cream.
"What's for dinner sweeheart?" "Just whatever," she said. So I had three Poptarts. Then before I fell asleep at 2:30 a.m. I had a bowl of cereal.
Today we rode our bikes 25 miles with a 28 lb. toddler in a trailer attached to my bike.
Tomorrow I will sit on the couch for six hours and complain that I am fat and sore.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Lollipoppers meet the Rock People
My favorite movie or a close first has got to be the classic "It's the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown" I love the scene where Charlie is trick or treating (by the way what happened to trick or treating? What's this trunk or treat crap?) in his cut up ghost costume and everyone is bragging about their candy. I got a caramel apple, one says. I got a lollipop, says another. I got a rock, says Brown.
In golf, I definitely got a rock.
In the housing market, a rock.
Drawing for a prize, a huge rock. Everyone says "I'm the guy that never wins anything." Listen here people. I AM THE GUY.
Mitt Romney, got a rock. (Thanks Huckabee)
The Republican party as a whole got a rock. (Thanks McCain and Palin)
A lot of people get a rock in life, others get a lollipop.
Lollipoppers:
Lebron James. He was bench pressing my car when he was 13.
Lance Armstrong. Apparently he has the lung capacity of a whale. (hope he wins yellow though)
Tiger Woods. He was given the whole basket of candy.
I have spent so many hours on the golf course and driving range it would blow your mind. If you saw me play a round, though, you would be baffled.
I will slice my drive two fairways over. Take a penalty stroke and re-tee. Hit that one two fairways to the left. (I'm very serious) Re-tee and hit a perfectly straight drive 300 yards. Gain my composure, claim that I found my swing, and dig a grave behind the ball on my approach shot.
How does an avid golfer slice, hook, pure it, and chunk it all in a row?
I will get a pro looking birdie on a hole and an embarassing 9 on the next hole.
In golf, I definitely got a rock.
In the housing market, a rock.
Drawing for a prize, a huge rock. Everyone says "I'm the guy that never wins anything." Listen here people. I AM THE GUY.
Mitt Romney, got a rock. (Thanks Huckabee)
The Republican party as a whole got a rock. (Thanks McCain and Palin)
A lot of people get a rock in life, others get a lollipop.
Lollipoppers:
Lebron James. He was bench pressing my car when he was 13.
Lance Armstrong. Apparently he has the lung capacity of a whale. (hope he wins yellow though)
Tiger Woods. He was given the whole basket of candy.
I have spent so many hours on the golf course and driving range it would blow your mind. If you saw me play a round, though, you would be baffled.
I will slice my drive two fairways over. Take a penalty stroke and re-tee. Hit that one two fairways to the left. (I'm very serious) Re-tee and hit a perfectly straight drive 300 yards. Gain my composure, claim that I found my swing, and dig a grave behind the ball on my approach shot.
How does an avid golfer slice, hook, pure it, and chunk it all in a row?
I will get a pro looking birdie on a hole and an embarassing 9 on the next hole.
Chuck
“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.” -Charlie Brown
Good Ol' Chuck Brown.
I love this guy!
I've learned that when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade but mostly just the rich kids have the juicers.
I remember when I was about 8 years old all my friends had new BMX bikes (a must have in the early 80's) I had one too but I couldn't ride it. The gang wanted to ride around the block like they owned the place and I wanted to follow.
But of course I couldn't ride.
So naturally I ran the bike desperately behind them as if holding on to the bike somehow made me fit in.
That reminds me of a time that the neighbors across the field told me to come jump on their trampoline. I was scared and turned bright red when they called me but I went over anyway and stumbled over the fence clumsily. I kicked one leg up on the hot metal frame and rolled myself onto the trampoline.
Of course it didn't take long before the "big kids" started laughing and yelling "break the egg".
When you're a quiet 10 year old kid you don't know a lot but you know that kids twice your size yelling "break the egg" isn't a good thing.
"Curl up into a ball," said Jon (the same guy that years later threw a boulder at my head)
I curled up into a ball at their command and hoped that a shaky lower lip and a budding tear would bring mercy.
It didn't.....
"1, 2, 3......"
I landed with one leg in between the springs and one head on the grass.
A few years later it was July of 2007. My wife and I were desperatley clinging to the sharp edges of a heavy desk hauling it up the stairs of our new home.
It was the PERFECT time to buy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Your home will appreciate by $50,000.00 the minute you turn the key," exclaimed our realtor.
There was appreciation alright!
By our close friends who decided to wait until the market crashed so they could buy their dream home for ten thousand dollars.
Just my luck
I even told my wife this. "Trust me," I said. "You want to see the housing bubble burst?! I'll buy a home."
If you have a tee time it's going to rain.
If you make a birdie putt your brother will make an eagle.
If you start to catch up to your brother on the back nine he'll eagle a par 5, get a hole in one on the next hole, and birdie the following hole.
I hate golf!!!!!
Normally I pull the ball, but if there's a lake to my right I slice to my right.
Someone told me to aim at the lake then. Alright i'll aim at the damn lake.
I hit the ball in the lake.
I've hit a 3 iron square into a young tree that had a radius of 3 inches.
I was aiming at it!
Because someone told me to aim at it if I wanted to avoid it.
Good Ol' Chuck Brown.
I love this guy!
I've learned that when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade but mostly just the rich kids have the juicers.
I remember when I was about 8 years old all my friends had new BMX bikes (a must have in the early 80's) I had one too but I couldn't ride it. The gang wanted to ride around the block like they owned the place and I wanted to follow.
But of course I couldn't ride.
So naturally I ran the bike desperately behind them as if holding on to the bike somehow made me fit in.
That reminds me of a time that the neighbors across the field told me to come jump on their trampoline. I was scared and turned bright red when they called me but I went over anyway and stumbled over the fence clumsily. I kicked one leg up on the hot metal frame and rolled myself onto the trampoline.
Of course it didn't take long before the "big kids" started laughing and yelling "break the egg".
When you're a quiet 10 year old kid you don't know a lot but you know that kids twice your size yelling "break the egg" isn't a good thing.
"Curl up into a ball," said Jon (the same guy that years later threw a boulder at my head)
I curled up into a ball at their command and hoped that a shaky lower lip and a budding tear would bring mercy.
It didn't.....
"1, 2, 3......"
I landed with one leg in between the springs and one head on the grass.
A few years later it was July of 2007. My wife and I were desperatley clinging to the sharp edges of a heavy desk hauling it up the stairs of our new home.
It was the PERFECT time to buy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Your home will appreciate by $50,000.00 the minute you turn the key," exclaimed our realtor.
There was appreciation alright!
By our close friends who decided to wait until the market crashed so they could buy their dream home for ten thousand dollars.
Just my luck
I even told my wife this. "Trust me," I said. "You want to see the housing bubble burst?! I'll buy a home."
If you have a tee time it's going to rain.
If you make a birdie putt your brother will make an eagle.
If you start to catch up to your brother on the back nine he'll eagle a par 5, get a hole in one on the next hole, and birdie the following hole.
I hate golf!!!!!
Normally I pull the ball, but if there's a lake to my right I slice to my right.
Someone told me to aim at the lake then. Alright i'll aim at the damn lake.
I hit the ball in the lake.
I've hit a 3 iron square into a young tree that had a radius of 3 inches.
I was aiming at it!
Because someone told me to aim at it if I wanted to avoid it.
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